Why does my child lie?

Lying is not necessarily evidence of a character flaw or lack of connection with reality. Children and young people who are recovering from a tough start to life due to abuse and neglect lie for self-protection. Such is their profound insecurity about their worth and the accessibility and responsiveness of adults in a caregiving role, they lie to preserve connection and avoid exacerbating pervasive feelings of shame.

Lying reflects the child or young person’s desire to desire to make and maintain relational connection with others and be viewed in a positive light. As such, lying is not evidence of antisocial tendencies. Nevertheless, lying is self-defeating as it can perpetuate the feeling of being beyond the genuine approval of others. As a result, the child or young person struggles to truly realise a positive sense of self.

For children and young people who are recovering from a tough start to life, lying comes from a place of shame and insecurity. As such, disapproval and sanctions for lying only exacerbate the reasons for lying and perpetuate the behaviour.

We need to be realistic. Most people lie, sometimes. However, if we wish to reduce this self-defeating behaviour we need to help the child or young person achieve and maintain a more positive sense of self and relational security.

When interacting with the child or young person who lies often, acknowledge their experience with your words and projected emotion, respond to their needs, and leave them feeling competent and worthy. The child or young person who has a healthy sense of their worth and feels secure about their relationships with others has less need of lying. They regulate their behaviour in consideration of their worth and relationships. You will know you are getting somewhere when they begin to take responsibility where previously they might have lied.

If you took something useful away from this article, please consider liking it and making a comment. I am interested to read what other behaviours you would like me to turn my mind to.

If you would like to make a small donation in support of me producing this blog, please consider buying me a coffee.

Buy Me A Coffee

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Adoption, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Why does my child smile when I am angry?

Smiling when you are angry is not necessarily a sign that the child or young person in your care is feeling self-satisfied and smug. Many children and young people who are recovering from a tough start to life due to abuse and neglect are unsettled by heightened emotion in adults. For them, it is associated with something bad happening. From an early age infants smile in order to induce positive connection and emotion in others. The Still Face Experiments show that infants will smile in order to regulate connection and responsiveness from their caregivers. Viewed in this way, smiling may very well reflect an instinctive behaviour that serves to induce positive emotions and care from adults. Far from feeling self-satisfied, the child or young person is feeling unsafe and smiling is an instinctive reaction and strategy for relieving anxiety and restoring feelings of wellbeing by regulating you.

At other times (and, perhaps, at the same time), children and young people who are recovering from a tough start to life really are satisfied when you you are angry at them. They crave the feeling of being understood in relation to their experience. If they are angry and successfully make you angry, they feel understood and acknowledged in their experience. They also feel able to influence the emotions (and, hence, behaviours) of others, which is profoundly reassuring.

As referred to in previous blogs in this series about messy rooms and destroying their belongings, it is important to understand and respond to the real reason for behaviours of concern. Only then will the child or young person feel heard and regulate their actions in consideration of their worth and their relationship with you.

If you accept what I have laid out above, you will see that smiling is the child or young person’s way of feeling safe and understood; notwithstanding that their behaviour appears counter-intuitive and self-defeating. Remember from my previous post about destroyed belongings, need trumps reason. The child or young person may always smile when others are angry, but we should see this not as a signs of self-satisfaction or smugness, but as relating a need to feel safe and heard in relation to their experience.

So, support them to feel competent through games and other activities and acknowledging their experience in your words, actions, and shared emotions. In time you might expect to see them as less preoccupied with controlling the emotions of others and more likely to facilitate understanding of their experience through the words that they use to communicate about themselves.

The CARE Curriculum

If you took something useful away from this article, please consider liking it and making a comment. I am interested to read what other behaviours you would like me to turn my mind to.

If you would like to make a small donation in support of me producing this blog, please consider buying me a coffee.

Buy Me A Coffee

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Adoption, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why do my kids destroy their belongings?

Destruction of their clothes, toys and other belongings is not necessarily a sign of ingratitude or disrespect. Many children who are recovering from a tough start to life due to abuse and neglect are mistrustful of receiving nice things and experience them as incongruent with their perception of their own worth and deservedness. They are unsettled by inconsistency, including in their experience of adults in a caregiving role. They may break or damage their belongings in the pursuit of consistency and, also, to reduce the likelihood of them being taken by others. Their apparent lack of care for their belongings reflects a lack of attachment to them, in anticipation that they will be lost.

A mentioned in my previous post titled Why is my child’s room always messy?, the above paragraph reflects the importance of approaching the care of children and young people who have experienced a tough start to life in thoughtful and intentional manner. None of us do anything for no reason, and until we address a child or young person’s reasons we are likely to continue to see the behaviour.

The behaviours we are concerned about are generally the child or young persons way of satisfying a need that they are preoccupied with. A preoccupation with needs arises in (prior) caregiving arrangements where there has been inadequate needs provision, especially during the early developmental period. In the case of destroying their belongings, the child or young person is pursuing consistency in their experience; of themselves, of others, and their world.

A statement I often use is ‘needs trump reason‘, by which I mean the child or young person is more likely to satisfy a need ahead of thinking about their actions and consequences that flow from our disapproval. What looks unreasonable and self-defeating in our eyes is a source of comfort and reassurance for the child or young person. Consistency is calming, and this is especially important among children and young people who are prone to uncomfortable emotions and other sensations as a result of a history of recurrent and poorly relieved distress.

Successfully addressing behaviours of concern involves turning one’s mind to the reasons for the behaviour, responding to the reasons, and keeping an eye out for signs of success in your endeavours. In the case of destroying their belongings, this might be seen as part of a child or young person’s endeavour to achieve consistency in their experience. We can respond to this by enriching their experience of consistency through developing and maintaining routines and rituals, especially in relation to caregiving practices and one-to-one time. If you already have many routines and rituals and/or are having difficulty thinking about how to enrich the child or young person’s experience of consistency, make a list of all the things that happen sometimes in your home. Can any of these be turning into a consistent routine or ritual?

Success in your endeavours is likely to be reflected by the child or young person showing more care towards their belongings (and themselves).

The CARE Curriculum

If you took something useful away from this article, please consider liking it and making a comment. I am interested to read what other behaviours you would like me to turn my mind to.

If you would like to make a small donation in support of me producing this blog, please consider buying me a coffee.

Buy Me A Coffee

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Adoption, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, trauma informed, trauma informed care | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why is my child’s room always messy?

Messy bedrooms are not necessarily evidence of a chaotic mind or wilful disobedience. For children who are recovering from a tough start to life due to abuse and neglect or other forms of hardship, it can be a sign that they struggle to feel secure about what they have, and that they need to see their possessions in order to feel reassured that their needs are understood and important, and that they are loved and worthy.

The paragraph reflects one of the central tenets of my work with children and young people who are recovering from adversity; the requirement that we approach the caregiving role mindfully and intentionally, considering not only the behaviour we can see but also the reason why the child or young person is doing it. This is necessary because until such time as the child or young person feels sufficiently acknowledged and responded to in relation to the real reasons why they do what they do, they will continue to struggle to feel truly heard, cared for, and worthy. The consequences of this is an ongoing preoccupation with their needs and coercive behaviours to reassure themselves about their access to those things that represent that they are loved and worthy of care.

If you accept this and are willing to try an alternative approach to addressing the issue of messy bedrooms, try using shelving to display the items that are important to the child or young person in your care, and open racks (and shelving) for clothes instead of closed cupboards or drawers. I anticipate that in time this will lead to a tidier bedroom and, perhaps, a calmer home.

If you took something useful away from this article, please consider liking it and making a comment. I am interested to read what other behaviours you would like me to turn my mind to.

If you would like to make a small donation in support of me producing this blog, please consider buying me a coffee.

Buy Me A Coffee

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Adoption, Attachment, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, trauma informed care | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Attentional factors and attachment security

We all live our life moving between two worlds.

In one world, we experience ourselves, others, and our world in a positive way. We notice more of the good things when we are there.

In the other world, we experience ourselves, others and our world in a negative way. We notice more of the bad things when we are there.

The difference from person to person is how much time we spend in each world, and the consequences in terms of our feelings, actions, and choices.

Ideally, we spend as much time as possible living where we experience ourselves, others, and our world in a positive way.

It helps to notice the things that remind us we are in a good place.

What do you notice about yourself, others, and your world when you are in a good place?

You: _______________________________________

Others: ____________________________________

My world : _________________________________

Write your answers and put them somewhere you will see them each day.

Posted in Attachment, trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What is the distinctive atmosphere or quality that you project in your role?

A quick Google search reveals that aura can be defined as the distinctive atmosphere or quality that seems to surround and be generated by a person, thing, or place (Oxford Languages).

In my work, I am particularly interested in the therapeutic benefits of relational connection and what it is about a person, be they professional or lay, that makes them therapeutic to others.

In a sense, I write about the aura of a therapeutic person, without using the term that is typically steeped in mysticism.

So, if we think about what is the distinctive atmosphere or quality that seems to surround and be generated by a [therapeutic] person, I think that the answer lies in the letters that make the word, particularly as is reflected in my work.

Firstly, the ‘A’ refers to accessible. The therapeutic person is there for others, such that they feel supported.

The ‘U’ refers to understanding. The therapeutic person understands the experience of others, such that they feel acknowledged.

The ‘R’ refers to responsive. The therapeutic person responds to the experience of others, such that they feel worthy.

The second ‘A’ refers to attuned. The therapeutic person is emotionally-connected and empathic towards others, such that they feel togetherness.

AURA: Accessible, Understanding, Responsive, Attuned.

There is one more quality that I consider is vital here: consistency. It makes a difference if a person is consistently accessible, understanding, responsive, and attuned, or not. Consistency supports an experience of the therapeutic person being always accessible, understanding, responsive, and attuned, such that their therapeutic qualities can can be depended upon.

The CARE Curriculum supports people to be more aware of their aura (as defined above) and a methodology for projecting a therapeutic aura.

Posted in trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Supporting Strong Developmental Outcomes: The case for CARE and Attachment Security

Raising children who have the best chance of achieving their potential involves connection with our task. It involves parenting with intention; thinking about what we are doing, and why. It involves holding the child in our mind; especially their experiences and their needs. It involves responding to their experiences and needs.

When children experience others to be connected with their experience and needs, they feel a sense of worthiness that profoundly supports their emerging identity and sense of worth. They feel that they can trust and rely on the adults who are connecting with their experience and needs. They develop a reciprocal connection to these adults. This reciprocal connection goes by various names, but the one I will use in this post is Attachment.

Attachment refers to the dependency relationships a child forms to the adults in their life who look after them, beginning in the first year of life (noticeable from 6-8 months), and developing progressively over the first four years of life. Central to the concept of attachment is the idea of secure base. The dependency relationship the child develops towards the adult who cares for the child (referred to as the attachment relationship and the attachment figure) becomes the secure base from which the child launches out into the world, and to whom the child returns for comfort and reassurance before launching out again. Having an attachment figure that can be trusted and depended upon forms a necessary condition for the child to explore their world without anxiety and, in doing so, supports all aspects of their developmental progress.

Not all children have the same type of attachment relationship with the adults who care for them. Attachment varies depending on the child’s experience of care. Extensive research has identified four predominant attachment styles. When thinking about the child’s development, the optimal attachment style is a secure attachment. Children who form a secure attachment to the adults who care for them use these adults as a source of comfort and reassurance so that they can launch into the world without being restricted by unnecessary worry or fear. This attachment style is optimal because development unfolds through exploration, and a secure attachment style is optimal for exploration.

Other children have an insecure attachment to the adult or adults who care for them. Some of these children orient to their attachment figures for relief from distress but are not easily reassured so that they might launch back into the world. They might be viewed as unnecessarily clingy and temperamental and, relative to securely attached children, their exploration restricted. In Attachment Theory, these children are typically referred to as having an Insecure-Ambivalent attachment style.

Other children have what is known as an Insecure-Avoidant attachment style. These children do not use their attachment figures enough for comfort and reassurance. Though they appear to be self-reliant, they are actually overly anxious which, in turn, restricts their exploration (and development).

A fourth group of children show a more concerning pattern of behaviour. They orient to their attachment figure, only to experience uncertainty when doing so. These children are referred to as having a Disorganised attachment style. They are observed to need and avoid their attachment figures. Their priority is not exploring their world (and growing and developing from doing so). Rather, the most important driver of their approach to life and relationships is achieving feelings of safety.

A fifth group of children have no attachment to anyone. These children have lacked opportunity to form an attachment to someone who provides care on a consistent basis. As with insecure and disorganised attachment styles, the development of these children is restricted by unrelieved anxiety and an intense focus on coercively controlling their environment in order to achieve needs provision. These children struggle to form mutually-satisfying dependency relationships with the adults who care for them.

Attachment styles are profoundly influenced by the child’s experience of care. A child whose parents are connected with what they are doing as a parent and with the child’s experience is more likely to develop a secure attachment style. A secure attachment style represents the optimal condition for the child to fulfil their potential and enter adulthood with the knowledge and capabilities to be successful (including in parenting their own children).

For the sake of the child’s development (and wellbeing), attachment security is the goal.

Parenting intentionally stands the best chance of supporting attachment security. Intentional parenting that supports attachment security involves the following:

  • Being a consistent presence in the child’s life
  • Being accessible to the child
  • Being responsive to the child’s experience, and
  • Being emotionally-connected to the child.

These aspects of intentional parenting can be summarised in the acronym CARE:

  • Consistency
  • Accessibility
  • Responsiveness
  • Emotional Connectedness

Hereafter, I will present each of these concepts and why they are important to attachment security and development.

Consistency

Children form attachments to adults who are familiar and continuous aspects of their life, as well as being responsive to their dependency needs. In order to for a secure attachment to develop, these adults must be involved with the child and respond to their dependency needs in a consistent way. They also need to be recognisable to the child, and so must present in a consistent way. Knowing that their recognisable adult caregivers are consistent aspects of their life and will respond to them in a consistent way supports confident exploration unhindered by anxiety about who is their caregiver.

Where there has not been a consistent adult or adults who cares for them, the child is unlikely to have formed a selective attachment to anyone. They can be excessively self-reliant, and/or indiscriminate in who they will seek a caregiving response from. They lack trust in caregiving adults, and in their own deservedness of care. They may resist care and may also be coercively controlling towards adults.

Accessibility

Children form attachments to the most available adults during the early developmental period. Children form secure attachments to adults who are accessible to them for comfort and needs provision on a continuous and consistent basis. Further, they form a secure attachment to adults who attend to them whether they are crying or quiet. These forms of accessibility support and reinforce a child’s understanding that they have a person who is responsible for their care, how to recognise them, and that their caregiving adult continues to exist during temporary separations. Knowing that they have a recognisable caregiver who is accessible to them even when temporarily separated supports a profound sense of comfort and reassurance for the child that allows them to get on with exploring their world without anxiety about the accessibility of their caregiver.

In contrast, when a child has not experienced their main caregivers to be consistently accessible to them, they struggle to accept separations and are commonly excessively demanding and preoccupied with their caregiver. During temporary separations, they are excessively anxious about where their caregiver is and who will respond to their needs. Both scenarios detract from the child’s capacity to explore and learn about their world and develop the capacities that support their success in life.

Responsiveness

Responsiveness refers to the actions of the caregiving adults perform in response to the needs and experience of the child. Responsiveness extends from consideration of what is going on for baby/child? What is happening for them and what is their need, including the need or experience that is responsible for the behaviour you see? We do this naturally during the child’s preverbal years. (Incidentally, we also do this with our pets). When the child is verbal we tend to encourage them to use their words more and more, which can be problematic, as I will explain in a bit. However, the child’s first experiences of the responsiveness of caregiving adults occur during a time when they cannot tell us in words about their needs and experiences that they require a caregiving response to. This spans much of the first three years of their life, before gradually reducing as the child becomes increasingly verbal.

When we come up with the answer to the experience or need the child has, and which may be evident in their behaviour or gestures, and respond to it, the child has their experience that their needs and experiences are understood, that they are withy, and that they can rely on the caregiving adult to respond to them. Children who form a secure attachment experience their adult caregivers as consistently responsiveness to their needs and experience. That is, their caregivers regularly and accurately ask and answer in their head the question what is going on for baby/child (?), and then perform an action that responds to the need or experience of the child. The reflection on the need and experience of the child, and the associated response, is often accompanied by words, which is significant.

Children learn language in at-least three ways:

  • Firstly, they learn language as a result of their caregivers expressing pleasure when, during their babbly, the infant says something recognisable as a word, such as the response of mum when the infant babbles Ma.
  • Secondly, they experience their attachment figures speaking to them about their experience; that is, speaking the words the child would use if they had them. I am not trying to be funny, but we tend to do the same with our much-loved pets. When we do this the child gradually learns what words go with what experience or need. That is, they learn that the word happy is what goes with feeling happy.
  • Thirdly, they watch and learn from others how they use language.

We are particularly interested in the first two. When a child’s caregivers are not consistent in these actions, the child will be relatively slower to learn language. Being slower to learn language and develop their vocabulary, the child will rely on behaviour and gesture to communicate about their experience and needs, long after the time when we would usually expect them to say what they need or what is going on for them. This can result in a punitive response, leaving the child feeling unheard and unsure of their worthiness. If this happens often up, there can be long-term impacts to their self-esteem.

The second aspect of responsiveness is the action performed to satisfy the child’s need or experience. Sometimes, it is simply the words we say that communicate understanding of the child’s experience. Other times, it is what we do in response to the child’s need or experience; such as when we feed the baby at four-hourly intervals, burp them after a feed, and change their nappy regularly and when soiled. Responsiveness to the child’s needs and experiences supports the development of cause and effect thinking; that is, the understanding that when you do this that happens. This is important as it supports the child’s knowledge of how to access a caregiving response, thereby allowing them to explore and learn about other things.

Children form secure attachments to the adults who consistently respond to their needs and experiences through actions taken, as well as the words used. Securely attached children trust that their caregivers will respond to them when needed which allows them to explore their world, learn, and develop without anxiety about responsiveness to their needs.

Where responsiveness has been inconsistent and/or inadequate, these children approach life and relationships preoccupied with their needs. They can be excessively demanding or self-reliant; often both. They have learnt that they cannot always rely on adults in a caregiving role. This limits or impairs their exploration, with associated developmental impacts.

Emotional Connectedness

Emotional connectedness refers to those times when the emotions of the child and caregiver are in synchrony with each other. Emotional connectedness extends from the adult observing the child and allowing themselves to feel what the child is feeling.  Often referred to as attunement, it is typically a natural experience to the emotion of another. Emotional connectedness typically flows from interaction and paying attention. In this sense, it can be intentional.

Emotional connectedness supports diverse aspects of emotional development. By tuning in and allowing emotional connectedness to occur, the child begins to develop an understanding of the experience of others, which is an early building block for the development of empathy. The infant connects back with the experience of the adult and follows them where they go. This allows the adult to regulate the infant’s emotions before they are overwhelmed by them. This is commonly referred to as co-regulation, and it provides a safe space for the child to explore a range of emotions without fear of being overwhelmed by them, thereby developing a broad emotional repertoire. Through repeated experiences of being regulated by the adult, the child learns to regulate themselves. Through emotional connection with their adult caregivers, the child begins to regulate their emotions and behaviour in consideration of others in order to maintain connection, thereby providing the foundations for social competence and satisfying relationships.

Most important, emotional connectedness represents another opportunity for the child to feel heard and acknowledged in their experience, thereby supporting their sense of worth and trust in others.

Children form secure attachments to adults who are consistently attuned to their experience. Again, these children feel free to explore their world, learn, and develop free of unnecessary anxiety. In contrast, those children for whom emotional connectedness has been inadequate tend to show a restricted range of affect, restricted empathy, and restricted regulation of their emotions and behaviours in consideration of others. Too often, this serves to further distance them from others as they encounter disinterest and punitive responses to their so-called inappropriate behaviour.

If you would like to read more about CARE and Attachment, the best overall coverage is in my book (Click the image for more):

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Attachment, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

More than a spare room: What kids really need from foster carers

I have been thinking about what children and young people who cannot be safely cared for at home need from their foster carers. I want readers to adopt a broad definition of foster for the purposes of this post, including all carers and care arrangements that the child or young person might enter into during the period of time that they cannot be safely cared for at home. I choose to use the term foster as foster carers remain the main focus of child welfare agencies to provide care for these children and young people, and the greatest challenge to recruit and maintain. I hope, nonetheless, that this post is informative to all carers of children and young people who are recovering from a tough start to life, and those who are considering taking on the role.

I started to make a list and have found it has grown quite long. I do not want to over-complicate the matter, so have chosen to include what I think are the key characteristics and considerations. Others may wish to add to this list or develop their own list. That’s ok. I guess I just wanted to make a list based on my experience interacting with children and young people in out-of-home care across the past 26 years.

Children and young people in out-of-home care need carers who understand that they are hurt rather than broken, and that they need patience and time to heal.

Children and young people in out-of-home care need carers who understand that they are hurt rather than broken, and that they need patience and time to heal. They need carers who will make and maintain connection with them, at their pace. They need carers who are warm, playful, kind, and caring. They need carers who are resilient, who can hang in there during inevitable tough times. They need carers who are prepared to take the time to understand them.

Children and young people in out-of-home care need carers who are open and receptive to learning and adapting their caregiving practices. They need carers who believe in them and advocate for them. They need carers who support connection to birth family and birth culture. They need carers who acknowledge their strengths, and who support opportunities to them to succeed. They need carers who support their interests.

Mostly, children and young people in out-of-home care need carers who support a sense of belongingness, to place, family, and community.

Finally, children and young people in out-of-home care need child welfare authorities and fostering agencies to insist on these qualities in foster carers. They also need for their foster carers to be meaningfully supported.

What would you add to the list?

The CARE Curriculum

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Attachment, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Short Introduction to Attachment and Resilience

I have maintained this blog site or more than ten years. This will be the 250th post published to it. Given the sheer volume of content I have decided to make a post with links to the posts that I think best reflect my work. It is not an exhaustive list, as the list would become too long. Rather, I simply wanted to assist visitors to this site to be able to quickly and easily access what I think are some of the central posts. I may even do a separate post containing links to the significant posts that did not make this list . . .. In any event, I hope this is useful to you.

It is too hard to rank the posts in order of what I consider to be their importance, or by topic. Rather, I will do them by year, starting with the earliest posts that probably no longer get the attention they once did.

2011

Four good reasons for using play during therapy with children and adolescents.

My first post, and still relevant. A printout of this post still appears in the waiting room of my practice and was re-published on the blog site of Jessica Kingsley Publishers following publication of the first edition of A Short Introduction to Attachment and Attachment Disorder – my first book.

2012

Attachment therapy for children who have experienced family trauma.

Another post about my approach to psychotherapy. This resulted in an approach by the editor of a periodical of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy to write an article for them. That article, titled Repairing Attachments, can be accessed here.

Taming Tantrums; Managing Meltdowns: Part One.

One of my earlier posts on this topic of much attention. Subsequent posts include:

The Hawthorne effect in schools.

One of my earlier posts about therapeutic care and management of children and young people at school, it is also one of the most read posts on this site. There are a number of other posts about trauma-informed practice in schools, but in addition to reading the ‘Hawthorne Effect’ post I would direct readers to my article titled Attached to the Unattached, published in SEN Magazine in the UK in 2010.

A simple method for getting children off to sleep.

Drawn from my book, A Short Introduction to Attachment and Attachment Disorder, this is my most read post. Part 2 (2019) is also worth looking at.

2014

Adopting a Balanced View.

This short article first appeared in the Blog for The Adoption Social on 21/1/14. I have subsequently revised it, somewhat, for inclusion in the handbook for The CARE Curriculum.

2015

Lessons about Learning: Some Truths about Behaviour Management.

A reflection piece about why traditional behaviour management is problematic for addressing challenging behaviour among children and young people recovering from a tough start to life. It reflects my deep consideration of the operant conditioning paradigm and how that can inform the care of deeply hurt and troubled children, an exemplar of which is the prologue of the first edition of A Short Introduction to Attachment and Attachment DisorderA Tale of Three Mice: An Attachment Story.

2018

It is, perhaps, not surprising that my more recent blogs best reflect my contemporary views and work. They also reflect some changes in the way I communicated about my work, including in this first post.

Your child’s CARE Requirements through the years.

In this post I was experimenting in developing infographics to give a quick and easy snapshot of the information I wished to convey.

2019

When Punishment if Problematic.

This was an update to an earlier post from 2015, and provides a succinct exemplar about my views and approach to the care and management of children and young people, and challenging behaviour.

Use your words: Supporting expressive language development and use

An article about the importance of communicating the thoughts and feelings of children and young people, which has significant developmental implications, especially for children and young people who are recovering from a tough start to life.

Raising kids who have high and complex needs: The importance of self care

Not my first foray on the issue of self-care for parents and carers, but the one that best reflects my contemporary views and approach; including that which is represented in The CARE Curriculum.

2020

Preserving placements during a pandemic: Video series with handbook.

One of a number of posts that appeared during the early stages of the COVID 19 pandemic, this content was developed for foster, kinship and adoptive parents of children recovering from relational trauma, and was included on the COVID 19 resource page of the South Australian Department for Child Protection. A related post of interest to a more general audience is Practical Parenting During a Pandemic.

Child Psychotherapy: An update about my approach

A recent update about my approach to psychotherapy with children and young people, this should be read in conjunction with Relationships Regulate and Repair (2021).

Five strategies for addressing issues with compliance in children

One of the more recent of a series of posts that appear on this site in which I attempt to distil my thoughts into a short list of practical strategies for addressing parenting challenges. If you enter ‘four things’ or ‘five things’ into the search bar on this site you will be able to access similar posts about other care and management challenges in the home and school.

2021

All relationships are important for attachment security

Perhaps, the most important post on this site, and one that I will soon expand into a periodical article for publication, this article challenges conventional privileging of singular relationships in attachment outcomes for children and young people, and makes the point that all significant relationships contribute to the attachment style and attachment security of children and young people.

This brings us to the end of this post. I hope you find it useful. For the best overview of my work, why not access one or both of my books; A Short Introduction to Attachment and Attachment Disorder (2 Editions), and A Short Introduction to Promoting Resilience in Children? Best wishes. Colby

Posted in AAA Caregiving, Adoption, Attachment, Fostering, kinship care, Parenting, Schools, Therapy, Training Programs, trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Is your service trauma-aware, trauma-responsive, or trauma-informed?

Borrowing from ideas underpinning culturally safety in service provision, where a distinction exists between being culturally aware, culturally responsive, and culturally safe, there is worth in distinguishing what is trauma-informed practice, as opposed to trauma aware and responsive.

Culturally safe practice involves being culturally aware and culturally responsive, But it is more than this. Being culturally safe includes being sensitive to, and reflective upon, the experience of a cultural group, and developing relationships with that group and individuals within it that acknowledge their experience. It also involves taking action that responds to the experience of the group and individuals within it. Culturally safe practice is distinguished by the emphasis on relationship and acting in consideration of the experience of cultural groups.

Safe practice is relational.

It is worth noting that it is possible to be culturally aware and/or culturally responsive, but not be culturally safe.

Similarly, when working in the area of trauma, it is possible to be trauma aware (this is what you know about trauma), trauma responsive (this is, what you do based on what you know about trauma), and/or trauma-informed. Trauma-informed practice might be thought of as intentional practice where we draw on what we know about trauma and practices that help, but use that to meaningfully connect with the individual or group with whom we are delivering a service and to respond to their experience.

Fundamentally, trauma-informed practice is relational.

As with working with cultural groups, it is possible to be trauma aware and trauma responsive, without being trauma-informed. The necessary additional ingredients are relationships and relational responsiveness.

This represents the cornerstone of success in trauma work; providing a safe and containing relationship for therapeutic work to occur in.

In the absence of relationship, a service cannot rightly refer to itself as trauma-informed.

I have been considering these ideas for a little while and am happy to receive and consider your thoughts. Best wishes. Colby

Posted in trauma informed | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment