This article, by Colby Pearce, was originally published on 10/4/14 by Parenting Beyond Punishment as part of their No-Spank-Challenge.
Some thoughts on how to manage your emotions in the presence of your child’s difficult and challenging behaviours
I am the father of three boys.
I am also a Clinical Psychologist with more than nineteen years experience in child and family psychology. I have conducted almost 1000 assessments of children and their parents in child protection and child custody matters. I have appeared as an expert in South Australian Courts on more than two dozen occasions. I have treated more than 500 children. I have written two books and numerous articles about child and adolescent mental health, development and parenting. I have trained more than fifty practising clinical psychologists. I am regularly called upon to conduct teaching and training in relation to the care and management of children.
As is the case in millions of other families around the world my children have, at times, tested the limits of my patience and emotional self-control. They have fought with each other and defied their mother and I.
At times I have been unreasonably angry with them. I have ranted. I have said things I would rather not have. And, being fed up with them and with myself, I have temporarily withdrawn myself from them.
Several years ago, I reflected on the matter of my becoming unreasonably angry with my children. In doing so I became aware of a series of related beliefs I had been holding for some time, and which were impacting directly on my emotions and emotional closeness to my children. The beliefs went something like this. I am a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in children, families and parenting. I should have a solution for all of my children’s emotional and behavioural foibles. My children should be well-behaved.
The inevitable result of these beliefs was frustration with my children and myself, regretted words and affective displays, and [temporary] physical and emotional withdrawal at times when they simply proved to be just like the vast majority of children growing up in a functional family system.
Readers of my books, articles and blogs would know that children thrive on consistency. This extends to consistency of emotional connectedness with their adult caregivers. Children are also emotionally unsettled by heightened affective displays by their parents. Heightened affective displays by parents and associated emotional distress in children make them more prone to behavioural problems and emotional outbursts.
Hence, my belief system was self-defeating.
More functional [and rational] beliefs are that my children do not have to be perfect, nor do I have to be the perfect parent, just because I am a Clinical Psychologist specialising in child and family psychology. They, like me, need to make mistakes in order to experience life lessons. Amongst other things, they need to learn that family relationships transcend situational conflicts.
Since adopting these more temperate [and realistic] beliefs I have been better able to maintain a consistent emotional presentation and involvement with my children, including in the face of their difficult and challenging behaviour. The importance of this cannot be understated. Not only have I modelled emotional self-control under conditions of adversity, I have preserved the strong and secure attachment relationships I worked so hard to achieve for my children.
When all is said and done, it is the relationship we have with our children that is the most powerful determinant of their wellbeing and adjustment.
So, give your children and yourself a break. Be temperate [and realistic] in your expectations of yourself as a parent and your children’s adjustment. It is in their best interests, and your own!
#childpsychologistadelaide #Adelaide #securestart
Drug and alcohol consumption amongst teens is of significant concern to a great many parents.
Parents are often desperate for good quality information and guidance about how they should manage this issue with their own teens.
Some time ago, and after watching a locally-produced video on the issue, I felt compelled to share some of my thoughts as a professional and a parent of teens. Hereafter is what I wrote and the time, and it still holds true or me to this day!
My first thought was that I was still the most significant role model my sons had. They looked to me for an example of what it is to be a man and a father. They observed my activities and behaviour and formed ideas about my beliefs and attitudes.
Whether they adopted the same or similar beliefs and attitudes rested, in large part, on my second thought. The relationship I has with my sons was the single biggest determinant of whether they would accept or reject my beliefs, attitudes and example of what it is to be a man and a father. Without a strong and true relationship; that is, a relationship where they experience me as being sensitive and understanding about their thoughts, feelings and experiences; my sons were unlikely to accept my example and the ideas and values that underpinned it.
My third thought was that independence, and independent-thinking and decision-making, were important developmental tasks of the teen years, as they prepared for adulthood. Though every fibre of my being would have liked to take all decision-making out of their hands when it came to such issues as their exposure to drug and alcohol-use at gatherings of their peers, I realised that in order to preserve a strong and influential relationship with my teens I needed to offer them the experience that I trusted them to make sensible decisions. That was my fourth thought.
I also needed them to believe that they could make sensible decisions about what was best for them and our family.
My final thought, at least as far as this article went, was that sensible decision-making by our teens that was consistent with the values of our family stemmed from the parenting we offered them throughout their lives; parenting that placed the relationship at the centre of all endeavour was the key here.
For practical strategies for developing and maintaining strong and influential relationships with your children, my articles entitled “In order to be heard we first need to listen”, “Why punishment is problematic” and “Three loving parental acts that enhance child wellbeing” are a good place to start. They all appear on the this site. For more detailed information, I would refer you to my book, A Short Introduction to Promoting Resilience in Children.
An encore thought: unless our teens experience us putting ourselves in their shoes, we cannot reasonably expect them to consider our experience of the consequences of their decision-making. After all, consideration of our experience is arguably one of the first things we would like them to think about when they make decisions regarding drugs and alcohol.
People do not act for no reason.
They may act in response to an idea.
They may act in response to an emotion.
They may act in response to a need that requires satisfaction.
They may act because the way their brain developed impairs their capacity to think before they act in the presence of a trigger (stimulus).
If we accept the truth that people do not act for no reason, then we must similarly accept that when we punish a child for their actions without making any effort to try to understand why they did what they did, we are essentially communicating to them that their thoughts, feelings, needs and biological characteristics are unimportant or invalid.
Repeated often enough, the child develops the belief that they are unimportant and invalid.
The consequences of invalidation include behavioural problems, emotional problems, preoccupations with needs and a lack of regard for the impact of one’s behaviour on others.
We can avoid perpetuating maladaptive behaviour in children by responding with understanding and gently teaching them a different way.
In A Short Introduction to Promoting Resilience in Children Colby draws on his extensive knowledge of psychology to present a model of care and management that accounts for each factor that has been implicated in children’s resilience, incorporating:
Attachment influences the beliefs a child has about self (including beliefs about personal competence), others (including their availability and preparedness to provide support), and the world (including beliefs about safety).
Arousal refers to the level of activation of the child’s nervous system. Arousal influences how well children perform in daily tasks and opportunities to experience a sense of competence and mastery.
Accessibility to needs provision influences exploration and opportunities to learn new skills.
A Short Introduction to Promoting Resilience in Children contains practical strategies for achieving:
For more information and to buy the book, click on the cover image to the right.
Youth suicide remains a major public health concern of our time. Few things are more tragic than a young life cut short. Compounding the tragedy of youth suicide is the fact that suicide among young people is a permanent solution to impermanent difficulties or circumstances. And, it is preventable.
Identification of those young people who are at risk of making a suicide attempt is the key to prevention.
In 1994, Colby’s article Predicting Suicide Attempts Among Adolescents was published in prominent Psychiatry periodical of the time, Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica.The article reports on the findings of a study of suicidal behaviour among Adelaide teens. The article examines the utility of an assessment methodology based on the teens’ acknowledgement of other behaviours in the spectrum of suicidality; including suicide thoughts, suicide plans, suicide threats and deliberate self-harm.
A key finding of the study was that it is possible to identify suicide attempters with a high degree of accuracy and non-attempters with a moderate degree of accuracy using a scoring methodology based on the young person’s answer to four simple questions about suicide thoughts, plans and threats, and deliberate self-harm.
Though long overlooked by public health organisations in this country, such is the worth of the assessment methodology reported in this article that it has recently been chosen for inclusion in the American Psychological Society’s PsycTESTS database.
If you are concerned that a young person you know may be at-risk of making a suicide attempt, support them to consult their general medical practitioner as soon as possible. The GP can conduct a preliminary assessment of suicide risk and refer on to a mental health specialist for a more comprehensive risk evaluation where they consider this to be necessary.
If you are a health practitioner or organisation and want to know more about the assessment methodology contained in Predicting Suicide Attempts Among Adolescents, please do not hesitate to get in touch with Colby at colby@securestart.com.au.
Reparative Attachment Therapy is the name used to refer to Colby’s therapeutic approach when treating children who have experienced the devastating effects of abuse, neglect, family violence and loss during their early developmental years.
Key elements of Colby’s approach appear in his 2009 publication,A Short Introduction to Attachment and Attachment Disorder(London; Jessica Kingsley Publishers). The description of Colby’s approach, as it appears in this book, relates to the context in which Reparative Attachment Therapy is practised and the establishment and maintenance of the all-important therapeutic relationship or alliance.
A more detailed description of Colby’s approach was published in December 2012 in the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy’s periodical, Children and Young People. Titled Repairing Attachments, this article is a good starting point to learn more about specific approaches and techniques employed by Colby when practising Reparative Attachment Therapy.
If you want to learn more about Colby’s therapeutic approach, he is available for individual supervision and the provision of training workshops. To arrange supervision or training for you and/or your staff, please contact us or email Colby directly at colby@securestart.com.au.
The Triple-A Model of Therapeutic Care is an evidence-based approach to the care of children who have experienced complex developmental trauma.
The Model was developed by Secure Start Principal Clinical Psychologist, Colby Pearce, and represents an integration of knowledge and experience gathered over more than twenty years as a researcher and practitioner in child and adolescent mental health and child protection.
Colby is known internationally for being able to translate complex theory and knowledge into accessible and practical guidelines of care. In evidence of this, why not read a couple of articles written by Colby that appear on this site.
Unlike other models that focus on one or two aspects of psychological functioning, the Triple-A Model of Therapeutic Care is a tripartite model that accounts for the impact of complex developmental trauma in three key areas of psychological functioning:
Attachment (science of relationships and social-emotional development)First described in 2009 in Colby’s bestselling title A Short Introduction to Attachment and Attachment Disorder (London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers), the Triple-A Model of Therapeutic Care was published after expert peer review in 2010 in the British Psychological Society’s periodical Educational and Child Psychology, as part of a Special Issue on Attachment.
In 2011, the Triple-A Model of Therapeutic Care was successfully applied to the topic of parenting to promote resilience in children in Colby’s follow-up book, A Short Introduction to Promoting Resilience in Children (London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers); thus substantiating Colby’s view that the Triple A Model of Therapeutic Care is more than simply an approach to the care of children who have experienced the devastating effects of abuse, neglect, family violence and loss. It is a valid, evidence-based approach to the therapeutic care of all children.
The Triple-A Model of Therapeutic Care offers a comprehensive approach to the therapeutic care of children who have experienced early trauma, incorporating evidence-based strategies and the rationale for them.
For more information, contact me using the form below.
Follow the links below to my two new resources supporting consistency of care and effective communication between home and school for children recovering from a tough start to life:
Attachment and Resilience 